0 [FUCK KISS] Jerry Hates on Kiss

Editorial by Jerry Howard

I fucking hate KISS.

Yes, I said it.

I'll give you a few seconds to collect yourself.

The KISS Army is a alive and well and a totalitarian regime to say the least. Without warning, they stomp, prey, destroy, and have a team of lawyers that would impress any corporate juggernaut. These fools will cold cock your granny for a shiny dime in the gutter.

No shame.

Before I get to the main reason why KISS blows, let's look at other sure signs of them sucking:

1: KISS taking off the makeup.

Really, the best thing these ugly mother fuckers ever did was throw the Avon back on. Truly horrifying.

2: KISS coffins.

If you get buried in a KISS coffin, you deserve to be dead.

3: The song "Lick it Up"

Seriously. Are you kidding? Who the fuck wrote this shit? Oh yeah, KISS! They suck! Psssst, don't you love it when dudes try acting tough? If you saw these homies rollin' down the alley, you'd piss yourself laughing, bust out your flip camera, film their asses, post that shit on youtube, then watch it explode into an internet phenomenon. Classic.

4: The lyrics from "Heaven's on Fire"

Check it:

I got a fever ragin' in my heart
You make me shiver and shake
Baby don't stop, take it to the top
And eat it like a piece of cake

What in the hell does that mean? Eat it like a piece of cake?

That's the worst shit I've ever heard.

Morons.

5: Gene Simmons Family Jewels.

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Now, to what I really want to discuss.

Recently, the Seattle Rock Guy attended the KISS concert at Key Arena here in Seattle. The next day, SRG blogged about the show and had some nice words to say like:

"I was absolutely flabbergasted by what an unbelievable live show and overall rock experience it was, and can tell you without a doubt it was one of the best rock and roll concerts I have ever seen."

The blog was solid and someone from KISS' camp recognized, posting it the next day. Of course, the Seattle Rock Guy was stoked, but as he read the blog, he realized he had been fucked. KISS egregiously edited the piece to make SRG seem like a RAH RAH KISS cheerleader. Let's take a look.

The Seattle Rock Guy wrote:

"Kiss just released a hard rocking but totally boring 257th record lamely entitled “Sonic Boom” this year. So the set list was 88% greatest hits, and 12% new tunes as both Shock Me and Modern Day Deliah sandwiched “Calling Dr. Love”. "

KISS conveniently omitted the first sentence.

Check it:

The set list was 88% greatest hits, and 12% new tunes as both "Shock Me" and "Modern Day Delilah" sandwiched "Calling Dr. Love".

Let's continue. SRG wrote:

"Gene’s demon outfit, the fire blowing, and the spitting of fake blood are all possible influences on black metal imagery. Kiss’ music may be hard rock at best, but they certainly started out heavily influenced by the NWOBHM that was flooding the US at the time."

KISS turned straight up Orwellian on this one. Check it out:

"Kiss' music may be hard rock at best, but they certainly started out heavily influenced by the new wave of black metal that was flooding the US at the time. "

Huh? New wave of black metal? NWOBHM is not new wave of black metal. It means New Wave of British Heavy Metal. An innocuous omission? Yeah, right.

KISS proceeds to turn SRG's "HOLY FUCK!" into a Mayberryesque "HOLY CRAP!", which turned out to be the icing on the cake. Are these the guys who once were pursued by angry parents proclaiming KISS was an acronym for Knights In Satan's Service or some right wing, evangelical group trying to make a buck in the music biz? Please, help me understand! I just don't comprehend why the KISS Army would edit the blog. Why would KISS care about little old SRG slightly nitpicking their asses?

Pathetic.

You know what? Fuck KISS! Fuck KISS for being a bunch of washed up pricks, too vain to accept criticism about their show. These fools should purchase a helmet. In fact, purchase a KISS helmet!

I hate KISS and always have! Go crawl back into your hole with George Bush and the rest of the neo-cons.

KISS sucks!!!!