MML courtesy of Metal Matt
METAL MAD LIBS
I cannot take credit for the following theory. I can only hope I explain it well enough for its radiant brilliance to shine through even the thickest skulls.
This theory was described to me in detail by my distant cousin Professor Schoenstein von Metalhof (which translates roughly, and my German is rusty here, to something along the lines of “coolrock of the metal court”), who studies old texts and shit in a thousand year-old castle in the deepest, darkest forests of remote Bavaria. It was written on vellum with a fountain pen. The letter weighed several pounds and was delivered by a man on horseback who carried a spear as well. He’s what you would call one of those mad professor types.
They must have really sweet research grants in Germany.
Anyway, so you’ve started a gnarly metal band. Good for you. The next step is to make an album. Maybe you already have a gnarly metal band and are looking for an album title that will sufficiently reflect just how damn metal you and your colleagues are.
Metalheads, as you well know, are a finicky bunch and well apt to select records to purchase based mostly on cover art (anything that has a chick on fire with snakes coming out of her, you know… nether regions… is an instant buy) and title. Well, I’m not going to be too much help with the art (maybe take acid and go into the forest at night with some rubber cement, construction paper, and food coloring?), but what about titles? Wouldn’t it be sweet if there was some way you could generate gnarly band names, album and song titles using a simple formula? This is where I’ve got you covered.
First, you need to make a list of nouns and verbs. These are names of things and action words, just in case you failed the third grade or never went to college after “that year off”. But don’t just brainstorm shit like ‘flower’ and ‘run’, you must stick to specific categories of nouns and verbs. These are:
· The occult
· Religion
· Violence and general destruction
· Drugs and alcohol
· Sex, especially perverted kinds
· Nonsense words that sound like any of the above categories
Write as many actions and things that have to do with these as you can on the paper. It helps if you get out an Iron Maiden album and play it really loud. Write a lot of words! The more the better. Make sure you are writing really gnarly words like ‘evisceration’, ‘stigmata’, ‘mainline’, and ‘demoralistication’.
Now that you have the list, it’s time to start making metal names! This is the easy part, and you have choices. The first, easiest way to do it is pick three words and put them in the order that sounds coolest, for example: ‘Eucharist Fireball Bongload’ or ‘Torment Choke-chain Melee’.
Be sure that the words on your list are super kick ass before you try this, or you may end up with a name lame and dare don’t come crying to me because you can’t think of wicked sounding shit because I warned you. You can also gamble and pick just two words from the list, but unless you’re Slayer I would advise against it.
The second way to turn your list into the most metal of metal titles is more complicated but will give you more awesome names.
All you have to do is pick one word from your list, then add a preposition (words like to, from, by, on, etc.), add a determiner (a, the, this, every, etc.) and then cap it off with another word from your list. Here’s how it looks, and an example:
(Noun/verb) + Preposition + Determiner + (Noun/Verb)
Lightning From The Demon Killer
You can mess with it a little, shake up the order and do what you got to do for the sake of metal, but don’t get too ambitious because you are probably going to fuck it up.
You think this is bullshit? This is for real. Real deal metal bands that kick way more ass than you do are using this exact technique and variations of it at this very moment. Still don’t believe me? Some examples:
· Snakes for the Devine (High on Fire)
· Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Death Cult Armageddon (Dimmu Borgir)
· Enemy of the Sun (Neurosis)
· Sabbath Bloody Sabbath (Black Sabbath)
· Flight of the Behemoth (SunnO))))
· Infiltrate, Destroy, Rebuild (CKY)
· Gods of the Earth (The Sword)
· Amplifier Worship (Boris – probably three words in Japanese so it counts!)
· Blackacidevil (Danzig)
· Black Tar Prophecies (Grails)
· Lifesblood for the Downtrodden (Crowbar)
· Slaughter of the Soul, Terminal Spirit Disease (At the Gates)
Sure, there are lots of other metal album titles out there that come no where near the formats we just discussed, but they probably have really cool covers and band logos and whatnot. They might even contain some really kick ass metal to listen to. We can’t be so sure about your album though, can we?
If you want a sure bet you’re going to need a picture of a burned corpse and you’re going to need to follow the formula to name it. That’s all there is to it. Oh, tune your guitar and write some decent riffs, too. And do it mit Kugeln, junger Mann!
(That means “with balls, dude!”)
METAL MAD LIBS
I cannot take credit for the following theory. I can only hope I explain it well enough for its radiant brilliance to shine through even the thickest skulls.
This theory was described to me in detail by my distant cousin Professor Schoenstein von Metalhof (which translates roughly, and my German is rusty here, to something along the lines of “coolrock of the metal court”), who studies old texts and shit in a thousand year-old castle in the deepest, darkest forests of remote Bavaria. It was written on vellum with a fountain pen. The letter weighed several pounds and was delivered by a man on horseback who carried a spear as well. He’s what you would call one of those mad professor types.
They must have really sweet research grants in Germany.
Anyway, so you’ve started a gnarly metal band. Good for you. The next step is to make an album. Maybe you already have a gnarly metal band and are looking for an album title that will sufficiently reflect just how damn metal you and your colleagues are.
Metalheads, as you well know, are a finicky bunch and well apt to select records to purchase based mostly on cover art (anything that has a chick on fire with snakes coming out of her, you know… nether regions… is an instant buy) and title. Well, I’m not going to be too much help with the art (maybe take acid and go into the forest at night with some rubber cement, construction paper, and food coloring?), but what about titles? Wouldn’t it be sweet if there was some way you could generate gnarly band names, album and song titles using a simple formula? This is where I’ve got you covered.
First, you need to make a list of nouns and verbs. These are names of things and action words, just in case you failed the third grade or never went to college after “that year off”. But don’t just brainstorm shit like ‘flower’ and ‘run’, you must stick to specific categories of nouns and verbs. These are:
· The occult
· Religion
· Violence and general destruction
· Drugs and alcohol
· Sex, especially perverted kinds
· Nonsense words that sound like any of the above categories
Write as many actions and things that have to do with these as you can on the paper. It helps if you get out an Iron Maiden album and play it really loud. Write a lot of words! The more the better. Make sure you are writing really gnarly words like ‘evisceration’, ‘stigmata’, ‘mainline’, and ‘demoralistication’.
Now that you have the list, it’s time to start making metal names! This is the easy part, and you have choices. The first, easiest way to do it is pick three words and put them in the order that sounds coolest, for example: ‘Eucharist Fireball Bongload’ or ‘Torment Choke-chain Melee’.
Be sure that the words on your list are super kick ass before you try this, or you may end up with a name lame and dare don’t come crying to me because you can’t think of wicked sounding shit because I warned you. You can also gamble and pick just two words from the list, but unless you’re Slayer I would advise against it.
The second way to turn your list into the most metal of metal titles is more complicated but will give you more awesome names.
All you have to do is pick one word from your list, then add a preposition (words like to, from, by, on, etc.), add a determiner (a, the, this, every, etc.) and then cap it off with another word from your list. Here’s how it looks, and an example:
(Noun/verb) + Preposition + Determiner + (Noun/Verb)
Lightning From The Demon Killer
You can mess with it a little, shake up the order and do what you got to do for the sake of metal, but don’t get too ambitious because you are probably going to fuck it up.
You think this is bullshit? This is for real. Real deal metal bands that kick way more ass than you do are using this exact technique and variations of it at this very moment. Still don’t believe me? Some examples:
· Snakes for the Devine (High on Fire)
· Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Death Cult Armageddon (Dimmu Borgir)
· Enemy of the Sun (Neurosis)
· Sabbath Bloody Sabbath (Black Sabbath)
· Flight of the Behemoth (SunnO))))
· Infiltrate, Destroy, Rebuild (CKY)
· Gods of the Earth (The Sword)
· Amplifier Worship (Boris – probably three words in Japanese so it counts!)
· Blackacidevil (Danzig)
· Black Tar Prophecies (Grails)
· Lifesblood for the Downtrodden (Crowbar)
· Slaughter of the Soul, Terminal Spirit Disease (At the Gates)
Sure, there are lots of other metal album titles out there that come no where near the formats we just discussed, but they probably have really cool covers and band logos and whatnot. They might even contain some really kick ass metal to listen to. We can’t be so sure about your album though, can we?
If you want a sure bet you’re going to need a picture of a burned corpse and you’re going to need to follow the formula to name it. That’s all there is to it. Oh, tune your guitar and write some decent riffs, too. And do it mit Kugeln, junger Mann!
(That means “with balls, dude!”)
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