In Fifth Grade, Mrs. Rasmussen used to warn us about the dangers of leaning back in our chairs. Films were shown. Guest speaker summonsed. Anything that would get the message across about how children risked their very futures by leaning backwards. If caught, students faced harsh punishment like standing facing the wall or copying verbatim five-hundred words straight from an article from National Geographic. Brutal.
Shadmond Lark didn't listen. At a young age, he sported t-shirts that would send Tipper Gore types into tizzies, shirts revealing dangerous bands like Def Leppard, Quiet Riot, Ozzy, and Motley Crue.
A real bad ass.
One day, while Shadmond daydreamed of shouting at the devil, oblivious to the world around him, kerplunk, he fell back. Normally, it's dust off time and mending of a bruised ego, but that just wasn't the case. Shadmond stayed down, whimpering - something had gone horribly wrong!
"Shadmond!" Barked Mrs. Rasmussen, "Stand up right this instant."
No response.
"Shadmond!"
An eerie cry broke from Shadmond as he propped himself face first against his desk, revealing in all its glory what needed to be seen: a pencil sticking out of his ass cheek a couple of inches deep.
Children gasped, panicking at the sight of Shadmond impaled by an innocuous pencil. Their worlds turned upside down - nothing was safe.
Others laughed, seeing the comedy of a Number 2 bad boy sticking out the right bubble of Shadmond's yin yang, maybe reminding them of the creative ways Jason or Michael disposed of too cool for school kids. At that moment, several students found a new love for school - they never knew what would unfold in such a strange place.
"Stop laughing!" Screamed Mrs. Rasmussen.
After order was restored, Mrs. Rasmussen preached about the dangers of chair leaning and how pencils could hurt. The class listened aware of the truths she spoke.
Their lives were changed forever.
Now, the world gives us the rapidly growing sport of Extreme Pencil Fighting and you can witness the high octane intensity associated with the sport this Thursday, August 5th at The Funhouse. I know the words I have written might frighten you away from such a treacherous game, hell it makes Parkour look like a wussy sport, but never fear - Warning: Danger! will be present playing the halftime show. With W:D! in the house, you know safety will follow.
Go at your own risk, bring some safety glasses, and take solace the event is sponsored by PBR, which makes everything seem a bit safer.
Words by Jerry Howard
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